Preparation H

I found this today and just cacked!

"Preparation "H" Thursday, May 20, 2004
Not long ago I was at the doctor for a regular check up and he asks me if I have any problems I want to tell him about. So I tell the guy I think I need him to refer me to a butt doctor to get my 'roids checked out. Guess what? He wants to see for himself. Oh great. I wasn't expecting that. Now he's telling me to turn around and drop my pants. I'm thinking two things right away. First, "How well did I wipe my ass this morning"? Second, this guy seems awfully eager to get a look at my butthole. I mean, if I was a doctor I'd be thinking, Oh shit now I gotta look at some dude's hairy ass. Why didn't I listen to my mother when she told me to go to lawyer school? Now I'm bent over in the doctor's office and a man with a pen light in his mouth is grabbing my ass and flexing my cheeks apart.

He didn't even kiss me first, the bastard.

After I finished crying he tells me my 'roids aren't that bad and I should use hemorrhoid cream. Which brings me to the point of this story.

'Roid cream is BULLSHIT. First of all it ain't no cream. It's friggin' medicated vaseline. Second, every time you shit you have to apply this stuff by putting your finger in or on your asshole..........Let me repeat that.

EVERY TIME YOU SHIT YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR FINGER IN YOUR ASS.

Let that sink in for a minute, I'll wait.

As if that wasn't bad enough, it ain't no instant cure either. You gotta keep using this worthless bunghole lube for at least a week to get any results. Now I don't know about you fags, but walking around with a lubed up greasy butthole and having oil slicks in my underware for a week is not my idea of living. Frankly I'd rather have the 'roids. I have gotten so used to the idea of having my own "special" friends down there that I have decided to name them. Evelyn, Queen of the Burning Itch, and Betty. I gave them both girls names since everyone knows that women are a pain in the ass.

Who knew butt-blisters could be so entertaining?"