Friday, September 30, 2005

Grand Final Predictions

Continuing along on my amazingly accurate footy predictions this year I would like to announce my tip for this weekends Grand Final(using the Sheil each way bet method).

My Heart says Cowboys...

My Head says Tigers.

There you go folks. Using the Sheil method means that you can't lose, or win, or something. Tops!

Remember you heard it here first.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Hey Brogden, pass me the stapler.

I stand before you today as a mere shell of the man I was yesterday morning. Life seems pointless. Everything is black and murky.

Oh the humanity!!!!

Parramatta choked again. Aaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!

Pass me the stapler John, I'm in self harming mode. I may even eat paste and run with scissors!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Latham, you are an inspiration!

My 16 year old son, Gibbo Jnr, came home with an interesting story the other day. Him and his mates were down at the Group 6 League grand finals last weekend when they ran into... well, I'll let Gibbo Jnr tell you in his own inimitable style.

Twas an early Sunday afternoon, there was much excitment at the football game that myself and many of my associates were attending. In our excitment three of my associates and myself decided it would be a great idea to take the medium sized walk to the nearest Subway complex. Upon arrival no one had noticed a certain man and his son using one of the designated sitting and eating areas "tables and seats" if you will. So my friend and I ordered our desired food and beverages and sat down in one of the corners with my other two associates. So as I was enjoying my Cookie and beverage of the soda variety, one of my associates noticed the man sitting at the table. He appeared to resemble Mark Latham, our ex leader of the opposition, but no one could be sure, and no one was game enough to ask. He must have heard our murmurs because as he left, he approached me with his child, and proclaimed "If i'm Mark Latham, you're Freddy Fuckwit!"
Dumbfounded through my disbelief of what I had just heard, partly because it was who I believed was the ex leader of the opposition, and partly because he had his toddler with him, that all I could think to say was "O.k, see ya Mark."
Our group proceeded to laugh our heads off for about 20 minutes, the shock was unbelievable and we continued to relive the moment over and over.
Now we weren't sure if it was really Mark Latham, but I did some research, and have come to the conclusion that it was. Who would have thought that the one thing that I had a problem with would provide me with the evidence I sorely needed. His child. He had fiery Red hair, so naturally I looked on the internet for pictures of him and his family. It took less than 2 minutes, and I had the evidence I needed. A picture was found, with him and his two red headed children, COMPELLING EVIDENCE???, I think so!
So really all I have to say is thankyou. Thankyou Mr Latham, these wise, encouraging, reassuring words have givin me a new lease on life. It is clear to me now that if an absolute idiot such as yourself can become leader of the opposition, then I can become successful in anything I strive to achieve. Nothing can stop me now that I have the encouragement of possibly one of the biggest bogans driving me. I say bogan, because Mr Latham was dressed in the most profound manner. A daggy, 10 odd year old shirt, a pair of stubbie shorts and a pair of colarado shoes, with no socks. I would have thought that being in one of the most influencial positions would have provided him with some funds. But this brings me to my next point. This boganism leads me to believe that you probably spend all of your money fixing the vandalism attacks that occur on your house and possesions. You know why that is Mr Latham? Because no one likes you, and most of us, well the ones that don't see you in Subway, have forgotten about you. I believe this is probably why you were so angry and harsh that Sunday afternoon. Hey I don't blame you, I'd be a bit sour too, if the whole nation hated me.
So in conclusion, thankyou Mr Latham, you are an inspiration to all of us, who are even slightly better than you(everyone). In the end, you were Mark Latham, so I guess I am Freddy Fuckwit!
Peace Out, Gibbo(FF)

Monday, September 05, 2005

Compared to women, blokes are lazy no-good layabouts.

From the keyboard of guest writer, Sticko

WE'VE opened a stall at Balmain Markets on Saturdays and, I hafta tell ya, it's fun. Fun, that is, if your definition of a good time is ooh-aahing out of a warm bed at half-past-five in the freezing cold, and filling your frost-dusted car with stock, stand, signage and sustenance.

We've been getting on really well with our market "neighbours", Antony and Rachel, who sell Aloe Mist, aloe vera products which are great for the skin. Their moisturiser, for example, can turn warthog into wonderful in a matter of days. Or a few short decades, in my case.
Antony's something of a gentle new-age guy, a fella who genuinely tries to see things
from perspectives other than his own. That's probably why he showed me the results of a recent study which show that, compared to women, blokes are lazy no-good layabouts. At first glance that might not seem too complimentary, and it was obviously troubling
Antony. But on closer inspection, it's clear that the study is skewed to favour the fairer sex.

How come nobody runs surveys asking the kind of questions in which men are able to show their stronger traits? Queries like:
1. In an emergency, could you open a stubbie with your teeth?
2. On average, how long do you spend each week craning your neck to see how much cellulite there is on your thighs?
3. Are you emotionally mature enough to make a meaningful, life-long commitment to a favourite pair of reggies? or
4. If someone is concentrating intently on, say, the football on the telly, and you're wondering if his lack of chit-chat is because he is cranky about something so you ask what's wrong, and he fails to answer because he is wondering why the Tigers kicked on the second tackle, do you accept this perfectly reasonable silence or do you blow a fuse and start to HENPECK HIM UNTIL HE HAS TO HIDE IN THE BACK SHED?

But do we ever see these types of questions on surveys? No. Just questions like the ones asked in the survey Antony showed me, from the Department of Labor and Industry. It petitioned 13,000 Aussies to find out how they spend their time when they're not working. It revealed that womenfolk spend twice as much time as menfolk on looking after the kids and doing household chores, while men dedicate more time to sport and leisure. This is clearly quite misleading.
Take the concept of "housework". Sure, women spend more TIME on it. But hey, what are they really accomplishing when you break it all down? Spending hours scooping up a three-year-old's toys and putting them back into the toy box is clearly WORKING, but not what we blokes describe as "working smart".

We are savvy enough to realise that all these toys will soon be back scattered all over the place again, and we wisely leave the toy-picking-up until a more sensible time, say when the child has left home to study at university. But does the Department of Labor and Industry give us credit for this? No bloody way.
And let's talk about child care vs leisure. For women, these are two separate activities, but men have perfected a productivity-enhancing technique called "multi-tasking."
Say a man is supposed to watch a child, but he also wants to watch the footy. Thanks to "multi-tasking", this man can keep one eye on the football game, while at the same time keeping the other eye also on the football game. But in some remote lobe of his brain there's a vague awareness that there is a child around somewhere, and if he hears anything suspicious - a siren, say, or an explosion - he will respond immediately, unless of course it is the last tackle and Benji Marshall has broken into the clear.

Speaking of which: I was once at an Easter gathering where there was a backyard touch football game involving all the guys except one - I will call him "Fred" - who was watching us while holding his little daughter. My team was short one player, so we looked over at "Fred" (who has a superb sidestep) and, after making us swear we would never tell his wife, he very carefully set his daughter down on the lawn and joined the game. Seconds later Nick - whoops, I mean "Fred" - scored a try in the corner to win the game.

This never would have happened if we had allowed ourselves to be shackled by the rigid, inflexible definitions of "leisure" and "child care" which have for so long enslaved women and the blinkered "Department of Labor and Industry."

Now this is not to say I believe all men are perfect. Not at all. To be honest, some areas of domestic life have scope for blokes to show more sensitivity toward, and recognition of, the imbalance between them and women, and I intend to take steps to close that gap. However, before we embark on that journey, I have an urgent question for Antony:

"Why did they kick on the second tackle?"

Minor Premiers.

How good are those Eels going? We have slipped in under the radar to clain the Minor Premiership.
I thought this might be an opportune moment to reflect of my "predictions" from the beginning of the year. I used a new system this year. One shown to me by the amazing Chris Sheil who, using this system, is never wrong.
There is still the finals series to go but so far I am doing well. Lets check the top eight alongside my earlier predictions:
1. Parramatta. "I am going to endorse them for the 2005 premiership"
2. Dragons. "I subscribe that St George will come out on top."
3. Broncos. "I envision that Brisbane have a good chance of winning."
4. Tigers. "I prescribe that the Tigers can't lose."
5. Cowboys. "I presume that The Cowboys could win."
6. Storm. "I advocate that Melbourne are unbeatable."
7. Sharks. "I acknowledge that Cronulla may well win."
8. Manly. "I recommend Manly as a shoe in for the title."

Not a bad result eh? Using Chris' patented method of betting on every horse in the field then dismissing the losers as only "endorsements" or "recommendations" when you really "predicted" something else means you really can't lose.

Thanks Chris.