Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The International Council of Manlaws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

(Thanks to "The Rockgod" for sending that over)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Kevin Rudd(bury) - Gutless, Cowardly and funny as hell

I had the pleasure of watching the Libs tear Kevin Rudd a new arsehole today in parliament. He has accused the Liberal "dirt unit" of "leaking" the fact that he's had some surgery about 15 years ago. Big deal! The peanut even admits to talking about his surgery years ago on TV. So much for a "leak" eh? He didn't actually have the guts to accuse anybody personally but got his hangers on to have a go on his behalf. What a gutless coward.

The funny part was when he tried to shout down Peter Costello about his leadership ambitions. "Mr Rudd hit back at the Treasurer with a scathing attack on Mr Costello's leadership aspirations, saying he had not been brave enough to challenge John Howard."[This is] arrogance unleashed by the Treasurer, the would-be prime minister of this country who has lacked courage year in year out, month in month out, to have the ticker to do anything about his heartfelt aspirations and ambition to eliminate this man," he said."

That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. In his own tiny mind he thinks he somehow stood up and challenged for the leadership of his own party. Bullshit! Talk about revising history.

In the traditions of our great Aussie Winter Olympians, he simply was the last man standing when all those in front of him fell over. All hail Kevin Ruddbury and his gold medal leadership challenge!

Let's see... first we had Bomber Beazley, then good old Simon Crean. When they fell over did Kev get the gig? No.. they gave the job to Crazy Mark Latham. When he self destructed did Kev get the gig? No... they gave Bomber another go. When they finally realised how useless Kim was, Kev got his chance. Like the last kid standing when picking sides for a school yard football match. There stood Kev, and when no-one else could be talked into it, he got the job. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, eh? If I was the guy who was last pick after Kim, Simon and Mad Mark I wouldn't be putting it in my resume.

It looks as if he is starting to fray at the edges already and the campaign proper has not even started. Loser.

The funniest part of all this is that Julia Gillard will stab him in the back the minute she gets a chance.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Kevin can't make a decision by himself.

It's been long known that Kevin Rudd has lifted most of his policies from the Libs as it saves the whole "think for yourself" thing. Where he hasn't stolen policies, he has announced "reviews", or "committees" or "task forces" which can then make decisions for him at some mythical point in the future. When you go to the trouble of looking at big Kev's list of commitees as Nick Minchin has done, the list is simply staggering... and we haven't started the election campaign yet!

Check this out:


  1. Office of Children and Young People
  2. Office of Early Childhood Education
  3. New Minister for Youth
  4. National Commissioner for Children & Young People
  5. Australian Early Development Index (AEDI) Support Centre
  6. Office of Work & Family
  7. National Health and Hospitals Reform Commission
  8. Health and Hospitals Advisory Group (HHAG)
  9. Appointment of a Chief Nursing Officer
  10. Expert taskforce on preventative health
  11. National Commissioner for Elderly People
  12. Disability Advisory Council
  13. New Department – Innovation, Industry, Science & Research
  14. Fair Work Australia
  15. Infrastructure Australia
  16. Skills Australia
  17. Office of Strategic Interventions
  18. Network of urban development offices
  19. Regional Development Australia
  20. New Minister for Housing and Urban Development
  21. National Housing Advisory Committee
  22. National Housing Supply Council
  23. A national housing development application system
  24. Creation of a non-profit housing organisation
  25. Green Car Innovation Fund and Taskforce
  26. Enterprise Connect Centres
  27. Manufacturing Resource Centres
  28. Industry Innovation Councils
  29. Small Business Advisory Council
  30. Council of Business Advisers
  31. New Department of Homeland Security
  32. Coast Guard
  33. Office of National Security
  34. Australian Defence Force recruiting “supremo”
  35. A Nuclear Caucus ‘Cairns Group’ review to strengthen the Non-Proliferation Treaty
  36. Establishment of a Labour Desk at the Asian Development Bank
  37. Establishing formal WTO Working Group
  38. Re-establishing the Canberra Commission
  39. Establishing an African – Australia Council
  40. Regional Disaster Management Coordination Authority/Regional Disaster Management Centre
  41. Higher Education Quality Agency
  42. National Curriculum Board
  43. A Superannuation Clearing House
  44. A statutorily independent government actuary
  45. A new corporate ‘super cop’
  46. A Petrol Commissioner
  47. Office of Climate Change
  48. Eminent Roundtable forums on business sustainability
  49. National Sustainability Commissioner
  50. National Sustainability Council
  51. Agriculture and Climate Change implementation panel
  52. A Pacific Climate Change Centre
  53. New Independent Heritage listing body
  54. New national representative body for Indigenous Australians (ATSIC)
  55. A ‘War Cabinet’ to tackle child abuse in Indigenous Communities
  56. Refugee Determination Tribunal
  57. Job Protection Authorities
  58. Registered Employment Authorities
  59. Access to Justice government advisory board
  60. National law regulation body
  61. National council for Local Government
  62. Advisory group on Federal State relations
  63. Independent panel to appoint the ABC’s Board
  64. Australian TCF Industry Council
  65. Review Panel for TCF tariffs
  66. Forest and Forest Products Industry Skills Council
  67. Wood and Paper Innovation Council


  1. Review of Federal State Relations
  2. Audit of Government services in regional Australia
  3. Review of CDEP
  4. Review of Job Capacity Assessments
  5. Review of Disability Employment Network (capped and uncapped streams)
  6. Evaluate disability employment strategies
  7. Review of Job Network and suite of employment programmes
  8. Review of government training for mature workers
  9. Garnaut Climate Change Review
  10. Review of national heritage protection
  11. Review of planning, strike capability and jet fighter capability
  12. Strategic reviews of ADF capability
  13. Review of Defence bases
  14. Review of ADF pay and conditions
  15. Review of ADF mental health care
  16. Review of ADF common induction training
  17. Review of Defence Capability Plan
  18. Review of Defence Export Facilitation Programme
  19. Review of Defence financial management
  20. Review of surplus Defence land
  21. Review of Defence outsourcing
  22. Review of veterans entitlements
  23. Review of bursaries
  24. Review of ‘phasing out’ of phosphate mining on Christmas Island
  25. Productivity Commission review to estimate costs/benefits of harmonising key regulations cross State/Territories
  26. Review of government innovation and industry assistance programs
  27. Reviews of Australian design rules for vehicle safety
  28. Review building code for energy efficiency
  29. Review of business regulation measures
  30. Review of science and quarantine systems
  31. Review existing strategic action plans for a range of industries
  32. Review of textile, clothing and footwear (TCF) tariff levels
  33. Review of wood and paper industry
  34. Review of tourism jobs training
  35. Audit of Government procurement
  36. Public asset review
  37. National Infrastructure Audit
  38. Comprehensive investigation of contemporary travel demand management initiatives
  39. Review of Roads to Recovery
  40. Review Civil Aviation Safety Authority regulations and reforms
  41. Review of coastal shipping policy
  42. Review of Australian Maritime College
  43. Review of policy governing superannuation investments
  44. Review of regulations covering private equity investments
  45. Review of Corporations Act
  46. Review of criminal and civil laws relating to fraud
  47. Review of corporate managers training
  48. Review of ASIC powers
  49. Audit of consumer protection legislation
  50. A national grocery pricing inquiry (conducted by the ACCC)
  51. Review of ABC and SBS boards
  52. Review of regulatory regime for complementary medicines
  53. Review of Medicare schedule for midwives
  54. Review of Medicare (psychiatric consultations)
  55. Review of medical research ethics guidelines
  56. Review of Child Support
  57. Senate Inquiry into the cost of living pressures for senior Australians
  58. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance
  59. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance to Youth Allowance Recipients
  60. Review of youth rights
  61. Review of impact of poker machines
  62. Review of Government support for parents with new children
  63. Public inquiry into the protection of human rights in Australia
  64. Review of genocide investigatory resources
  65. Review of legal fees
  66. Review of court fees
  67. Review of juvenile sentencing practices
  68. Review of federal court system
  69. Review of whistleblower laws
  70. Scoping Study/ Review of Australian Federal Police (AFP) numbers
  71. Review of anti-terrorism laws
  72. Review of Australian Crime Commission (ACC)
  73. Examination of shared equity models that involve the Federal government
  74. Inclusive trade policies
  75. Review of all existing government consultative mechanisms
  76. Review of composition of governmental delegations to World Trade Organisation (WTO) ministerial meetings
  77. Review of Export Market Development Grants Scheme
  78. Review of access to international markets for agricultural products
  79. Review of relationship with New Zealand
  80. Review of AusAID
  81. Review of diplomatic services
  82. Review of diplomatic programmes
  83. Review of training visas
  84. Review of asylum seekers appeals mechanism
  85. Review of Settlement Services
  86. Review of arts fellowships and grants
  87. Review of artist’s incomes
  88. Review of Australia Business Arts Foundation (AbaF)
  89. Review of social security laws with respect to the arts
  90. Review of Work for the Dole for artists
  91. Review of arts in regional and remote areas
  92. Review of ‘Digital Industry’
  93. Review of free trade agreements
  94. Review of contemporary music industry
  95. Review of private investment in music
  96. Review of artists copyright

God help us if this peanut ever gets in!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Kevin sinks the devon in 07

Cunning linguist, Mr Kevin (the boy who lived in a car) Rudd showed off his verbal skills at the recent APEC meeting.