Thursday, December 02, 2004

Staff Training Procedural Changes.

Budgetary constraints now dictate that all staff training sessions should follow a set procedure regardless of their intended topic.
In the spirit of procedural integrity, all staff training will now reinforce positive approaches and frameworks, which will seek to enhance effectiveness and allow us to implement new paradigms with a “can do” attitude. Trainers will facilitate getting attendees “back on track” within a pedagogical context by developing “Personal Management Plans”.
Outcomes and synergies can be structured and measured against these frameworks in order to value the collective input.

Staff Training Structural Matrix:
Training sessions will now follow the following structure, which all trainers will attempt to follow, as follows:
1. Start of session. Trainers will get all participants to stand up and introduce themselves and describe their position within the organisation. Remember, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met! This is an opportune moment for telling the attendees how special your particular circumstance is and how no one really understands you. You are permitted also to give brief examples of mistreatment from under achieving superiors.
2. All attendees will now talk amongst themselves at a progressively louder volume.
3. The trainer will now attempt to get the session “back on track” by writing things on a white board. If staff are still inattentive, ball games or lolly throwing may be instigated.
4. Morning tea will now be provided. This is another opportunity to let the other attendees know how hard it is in your particular department ad how unfair your boss is. Be sure to underline the fact that no-one really understands you or values your input.
5. After morning tea the session will move onto Conflict Resolution. Please open your workbooks to the approved activities. The trainer will then facilitate discussion in a small group scenario after taking nominations for team captains. Team captains are to facilitate the facilitation, which was instigated by the trainer, at a team level. This is to be done with consistent, incremental growth in volume to the point that the trainer needs to again throw lollies.
6. The team captains will then vocalise the outcomes of the group discussions. Attendees are invited to but in at any point to confirm that their boss doesn’t really value them intrinsically or extrinsically.
7. Spontaneous group discussion is now encouraged with a focus on each attendee’s particular, personal situation.
8. Drawings will now be made on flip charts.
9. Team captains will be invited to stick coloured squares of cardboard onto the flip charts. Brisk discussion at ever increasing volumes will then ensue.
10. Lunch will now be served. This is again an opportune moment to meet new friends and to explain to them how no one really understands your situation and how you feel undervalued as a person.
11. After lunch, all attendees except two will return. Brisk discussion will be undertaken as to the possible reasons for their tardiness.
12. The trainer may take this opportunity to attempt to show a video about Conflict Resolution, which may or may not feature John Cleese.
13. The missing two attendees are to walk in at 2 minute intervals after the video has started. Embarrassed looks are optional.
14. Discussion will now start about the lateness of “Some People”
15. At the conclusion of the video the trainer will attempt to get the session “back on track” by introducing the actual topic of the training session.
17. A PowerPoint presentation will now be attempted.
18. Attendees are invited to fiddle with the projector at will. Eventually, the person “who knows all about projectors” should step forward to direct the button pushing frenzy.
19. After watching the presentation about [INSERT TRAINING TOPIC HERE], the trainer will discuss the upcoming afternoon tea and the possibility of going home early as this has been a particularly “special” group today.
20. Afternoon tea will now be served. Note: This is one of your last opportunities to discuss your unique situation within the organisation. Make use of it! This is the best time to again explain the uselessness of your superiors and about who is probably rooting who in your office.
21. Attendees are now invited to reluctantly shuffle back to the training room.
22. The importance of Conflict Resolution will now be reiterated.
23. One last round of valued input will now be facilitated with special attention paid to vocalising underlying constraints within your personal context.
24. A Values Statement will now be prepared in consultation with the Mission Statement as it applies to the Outcomes Statement within the contextual framework.

Have I been in the public service too long? 18 months in and this is the result!


TimT said...

Great post, but you seem to have forgotten a couple of things:

- The ritual feasting on Arnotts biscuits, and instant de-caffeinated coffee topped up with skim-milk;

- The setting of an agenda;

- The preparation of a plan for the setting of the agenda;

- The organisation of a roster for the preparation of a plan for the setting of the agenda;

- The writing of a table for the organisation of a roster for the preparation of a plan for the setting of an agenda;

- And the minuting of the writing of the table for the organisation for the preparation of a plan for the setting of an agenda.

Grinder said...

Some people will never understand the importance of producing nothing.
After five and a half months of non-stop training, the group I was with used to give fictitious 'about me' identities.

Gibbo said...

I've only been on three courses so far. I have asked not to be sent on any more. The three courses were all on very different topics but the content was basically as listed above. All of them!!!
There are a lot of good things about the PS but this is not one of them.