Anyone but the greens

I would rather see Paul Keating back as PM or stick pins in my eyes than to see the greens hold any sort of power whatsoever. During the last election a very strange thing happened and Bob "Droopy Dawg" Brown and his dreadlocked ferals were not happy at all. Put simply, some of their whacky policies were actually held up for public scrutiny.

Graphic used in the 2004 campaign

This doesn't sit well with the greens as they feel that they are elites who know better than the average pleb and should not have to be subjected to the humiliation of mere mortals questioning there crazy policies. Well, it seems that the greens are coming under renewed scrutiny with the launch of a new site called Greens Watch. It's new but looks alright so-far. Call in, check it out and join in the fun!

(Hat tip to Iain Hall)

Vote 1 - Kevin Rudd

I'm nothing if not a realist. For a while now I've been a John Howard supporter but this Kevin Rudd bloke just looks better and better every day. Let's have a quick look at just some of the major improvements that Big Kev will make once he's got his mob in power.

• Groceries will be cheaper
• Petrol will be cheaper
• Interest rates will never go up again
• There will be more child-care places
• Housing will be more affordable
• Productivity is going up
• Wages are going up
• No-one will ever be unfairly dismissed ever again.
• Unemployment rates will go down
• He's going to fix climate change and return us to that nice predictable climate we had when we were kids
• He's going to withdraw our troops from Iraq, returning the place to its former glory as the "utopia of the middle east"
• No more "skills shortages"

Let's face it... add to that list Rolling back the GST, Medicare Gold and making sure that no Australian child lives in poverty after 1990 and I think we've got our winner! Not bad for a boy who lived in a car, eh?

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks

Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was wrong. My old dog Rosie has recently developed a bit of a bad habit... farting. The problem is that she sleeps in the garage where, being an Aussie bloke, I happen to spend a bit of time myself. After all, that's where the beer fridge and the drum kit is!

Anyways... she started dropping some wonderful smells which made it difficult to share my humble garage with her. I got the idea that I might be able to train her so I started sending her outside each time she dropped one. It didn't work straight away but after about a week she got the idea. She now farts in the garage then goes outside without having to be told. Pretty smart for an old girl, eh?

Great Quotes

"Listen to the Stage Manager and get onstage when they tell you to. No one has the time for your rock star bullshit. None of the techs backstage care if you're David Bowie or the milkman.

When you act like a jerk, they are completely unimpressed with the infantile display that you might think comes with your dubious status.

They were there hours before you building the stage, and they will be there hours after you leave tearing it down.

They should get your pay and you should get theirs."

Henry Rollins.

I'm a Grandpa!

It's finally happened folks. My oldest Daughter has given birth to a beautiful baby girl called Lily.
Mum and bubs are tired but fine after a long labour.

Mum, Dad & Lily.



Nanny & Lily

I may consume a sparkling, refreshing, ale or two in the next day or so!

Random Thoughts

"War is an ugly thing but not the ugliest of things; the decayed and degraded
state of moral and patriotic feelings which thinks that nothing is worth war is
much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing
which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature
and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of
better men than himself."

John Staurt Mill, On Liberty

It's Time (again)

Look, I'm nothing if not practical. It's looking more and more like Labor may win the next election so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon as well. What I think they really need is a nice catchy song like old Gough had.

Do you remember the whole "It's Time" thing? Let's bring it back eh?




It's Time.

It's time for Combet, It's time for Shorten
It's time for Kevin, yes it's time.

It's time for Christmas beer strikes, it's time for Easter petrol strikes
It's time for award wages, yes it's time.

It's time for Garretts carbon tax, it's time to sign Kyoto
It's time to invest in windfarms, yes it's time.

It's time for Medicare gold, it's time for compulsory unionism
It's time for Gillard's cronies, yes it's time.

It's time for high unemployment, it's time to raise interest rates
It's time for a recession, yes it's time.

Live Earth Stars Come Clean On "Carbon Neutral Hypocrisy"

As we all know some of Australia's, and indeed the World's, biggest and most influential music stars are coming together to perform at a series of concerts known as Live Earth.

Lily Sobhani, Live Earth’s Global Head of Events reports;
“Live Earth Australia will kick off 24 hours of music spanning all 7 continents to focus the world against global warming,” Wall said. “Over 100 headlining artists ranging from Madonna to The Police to Wolfmother, all of whom are donating their time to perform at the concerts, will inspire an audience of over 2 billion people. Live Earth is designed to trigger a mass movement to combat our climate crisis. The climate crisis touches everyone, everywhere. Live Earth is about motivating people in every corner of the planet to ‘Answer the Call’ and make meaningful and lasting changes in their lives to combat global warming.”

Originally the concerts were to be rendered "Carbon Neutral" in order to offset the massive amount of rare and rapidly depleting resources that an event such as this needs to operate. Tickets were to be printed on recycled paper and public transport was to be included in the ticket price.

After careful consideration of the genuine environmental impact of these concerts, some of the artists have imposed strict environmental guidelines on the organisers. The following changes will be made to enable the concerts to be completely "Gaia friendly".

• The recycled paper tickets will now be scrapped in favour of free entry. A spokesperson was heard to say that "charging people to hear music was a capitalist activity that was not in harmony with the spirit of the event".
• The concert will now be held during daylight hours only due to the vast amount of power that the lighting system would need.
• No PA system will be used as, again, it just draws too much power. Promoters are asking that "patrons please be quiet during the show and they should probably try to crowd towards the front a bit".
• No electric intruments will be tolerated nor will instruments be allowed that are made of rare substances such as wooden guitars and drums. Instruments that use strings will also not be allowed as they are generally made of steel or nylon which both generate huge amounts of greenhouse gases in their manufacture.
• Artists will not be permitted to use planes to or non-hybrid cars to transport themselves and their crews to the gig. A fleet of push bikes was to be utilised for all transport needs but it was found that some of them had oil on the chains and paint on the frames, both of which are just plain evil.
• All food products that contain meat will be banned due to their methane impact. "Not-Dogs" have come on board as the official caterers.
• All recordings of the event will be given away free to anyone who wants them as we should never try to profit from the Earths environmental problems.

A spokesperson for the performers says that they all welcome and fully support the changes in order to prove that they are genuine in their desire to change the climate for the better.

"Look, we were going to do the whole 'carbon offset' thing but in reality we all know it's bullshit. The amount of trees that would have to be planted to offset massive power use such as this was just unrealistic and we all know that when the tree dies, the carbon is released again anyway. What we are doing here is groundbreaking. We are sweeping aside all the 'so-called' environmentalists and saying enough is enough. No more hypocrisy for us. We are stars and should be examples to the rest of the public so that they can continue to adore us with a clear conscience."

There is no political bias at the ABC right?

First we had Mega Maxine throwing her hat into the ring to oust the evil HoWARd.



Now we have Mike Bailey, the king of all TV weather readers, having a crack.



Nope, no political bias here folks, move along... nothing to see.

It's also nice to see "the party of the workers" fielding genuine candidates too, eh?

A Tribute to Communism

Just remember this next time you see some dumb greenie with their Che or Karl Marx shirts on.

From a concerned reader

Dear Gibbo,

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a travelling musician and note strange things when I come home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside or says "call me later..." When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way home. I once picked up the extension phone while she was talking and she got very angry.


A friend of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me my wife and some guy shows up sometimes at their gig. He wanted to borrow my amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself. I said: "Sure you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it and see if she comes into the club and who with." He agreed.


Saturday night came. I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down, when I noticed one of my power tubes was not glowing like the other three.


Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician ?

Thanks,

Very Concerned.

All Australian Internet Radio Station

Howdy Folks, I just wanted to let you know about a brand new, all Australian, internet radio station that I've set up just this week. We've already got quite a decent playlist of original Aussie acts such as Goldrush, Mark Johnson, VonSonic, Bandanna, HiFi Reactor, Talback Radio, Someone Your Not, Kasey Chambers, INXS and many more.
Tune in for a listen at www.live365.com/stations/gibbomeister

If you know of anyone with decent, original Aussie music that might want some airplay then please pass the link along to them or send them to www.australianmusichistory.com/all-australian-internet-radio-station/ for more info.

I'd love to hear what you think of it so-far.

Cheers, Gibbo

Eels win trial against Sharks

The Eels won against The Sharks in a trial match played in Parkes 36-14

Parramatta Try Scorers
Mark Riddell, Zeb Taia, Blake Green, Etu Uaisele, Michael Lett, Krisnan Inu, Feleti Mateo
Sharks Try Scorers
Kearney, Nielsen, Stephenson

Parramatta Goal Scorers
Mark Riddell (2), Krisnan Inu (2)
Sharks Goal Scorers
Cooper

There is a bit of controversy over trials at the moment after the Roosters lost Chris Flannery for an extended period with a broken leg in a trial on Saturday. The coaches say that the players need a pre-season run but then strangely don't field them. As you can see from the list of scorers for both sides above that most of the players weren't regular first graders anyway. I don't get it? If I was a country resident hoping to see some big names I'd be pissed off too.

The Rugby League is almost upon us.

Ahhh... my favourite time of the year is almost upon us. Rugby League season. My beloved Eels have a bunch of new, young folk coming through and a brand new coach so top 8 is the best I'm hoping for this year. I'm not yet convinced about Finch either but I'll bite my tongue until I see him paired with Smith.

A couple of rule changes I would have like to have seen were, first, to get rid of the mongrel "Golden Point" and second to get rid of the dreaded "Double Movement".

The golden point is just plain crap. It puts our game down to the level of soccer with its' ridiculous Penalty Shootouts. Sometimes a draw is an honourable result. The only exeption might be in a Grand Final and then I'd rather a "Golden Try".

The double movement is also wrong. In my opinion, if you can reach out and get the ball over the line and ground it then it's a try. Simple as that. It's moronic that it gets you a penalty and not a try.

Whaddya reckon?

Girls, it's NOT OUR FAULT! Music and sport is in our genes ....

Here's another classic study of human nature from my old pal Stix.

FOR centuries, women have complained about their blokes not helping out around the cave.

The fellas are dispatched to the doghouse for browsing through the sports section of the paper or twanging away on their guitar, while their wives whirl around the kitchen preparing kids' lunch boxes and doing the dishes, all the while flailing away with a cluster of chook feathers, flicking dust from every flat surface within arm's reach.

The male of the species dutifully endures his lot without so much as a snarl (because that would provoke ``an incident'', and he has learnt from experience not to do that -- or his hopes of watching the cricket henpeckless will turn to dust and be flicked into the realm of farce).

But now the truth has been exposed, and it's time for AN APOLOGY! No! Not from us, dammit ... from all those spiteful spouses who relentlessly harangued us to perform domestic duties which, put plainly, are scientifically impossible for us.

Yep, it's true. A new study has been released which confirms that men physically cannot do housework.

It turns out that, because of an inexplicable genetic oversight of the part of The Creator, men are simply incapable of seeing dirt until there is enough of it to sprout a crop of potatoes. That, of course, gives women -- who can spot an atom of dust at the far end of a cricket pitch -- an unfair domestic advantage.

This is the reason a married couple can both be looking at the same family kitchen, and the man - peering through his haze of double-helix handicap - sees a sink which is so spotless you could perform liver transplants on it.

His wife, on the other hand - innately hawk-eyed by virtue of her double-shelix chromosomes - recoils at the sight of a seething, sink-shaped mass of bacteria which is moving threateningly in the direction of her children.

After more than an hour scouring the sink plug-hole with sulphuric acid-based cleaning gel, a woman is still convinced it is way too grubby for dinner guests to see.

But if you asked a man to clean the entire City Circle railway tunnel, he'd go down the steps at Town Hall with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, and emerge 25 minutes later at Museum, weary but satisfied with a job well done.

When I first mentioned this amazing scientific fact to my friends and workmates, some of them -- okay, all of the women -- declared I was a chauvanistic pig who was simply trying to camouflage the fact that most men are just bone lazy.

But hey, this study in the eminent Boston Medical Journal, entitled Why Men Can't Do Housework, is based on irrefutable scientific proof.

It states, in terms which even bone lazy chauvanistic swine can fathom, that ``men's brains perceive far less sensory detail than women's brains, meaning that the household dust and domestic mess that their partners see is virtually invisible to them''.

So there you have it! It's not our fault! Blame the Higher Power or Mother Nature or even Old Mother Hubbard. Anybody but us.

And that's not the only difference between male and female brains. There is a section of the frontal lobe called the ``maculus effluvium'', in which basic emotions originate. The afforementioned study fails to give more detail about it, but in female brains I imagine the ``maculus effluvium'' would be roughly the size of a coconut, holding a vast stockpile of complex, constantly-revised emotional data aimed at punishing anyone who can't see dirt properly; whereas in men it is basically a jelly bean filled with One-Day Cricket, Bledisloe Cup and State-of-Origin highlights, plus a few snippets about playing the drums or strumming on your Strat.

In women, the ``maculus effluvium'' also exudes a pheremone called ``dopamine'', which, according to the study, give women an overpowering urge to go shopping. No, no, no, I'm joking about that bit.

Women don't need dopamine to make them hunt down new handbags. They just need a credit card. Preferably their partner's.

But anyway, this study just goes to show that women are wasting their time trying to make men help with the housework -- unless they have the remote control and you are practising a few licks while you wait for the big game to start.

In which circumstance, there is only one thing left to say: ``Sorry darling, I’ll put me axe away right now, and

... erm, pass me the chook feathers ''.

Mo'vember draws to a close

Well, here it is folks. The proof!

If that aint a porn-star special, I don't know what is.

The strange thing is that Mrs Gibbo & the little Gibbo's want me to keep it! Gibbo Jnr even told me it was cool. When I questioned that statement he informed that, as he is a 17 year old, he gets to decide what's cool.

Anyway folks, I've done my bit and it's time to pass the hat around.
Some of you have already chipped in and for that I am truly thankful. Some folks have said that they don't like using credit cards on the net. If that's you then just email me at gibbosblog [at] hotmail.com and we can work something out. The rest of you can head to http://www.movember.com.au/au/sponsor, enter my Rego number which is 27905 and your credit card details. All donations of $2 and over are tax deductible.

Thanks again for all of your support and remember...
Put your hand in your wallet and the doctor may not have to put his hand in your bum!

Cheers, Gibbo.

Beware of Chooks Bums

Here is another special contribution from my old pal Stix. Enjoy...

The Christmas holidays are approaching, a time when we pause to reflect on our good fortune by shovelling as much food and grog as possible into our gullets for a period stretching pretty much from Christmas Eve all the way through to the following year. We will eat 'n' drink from sunrise until way after sunset, eventually staggering off to bed, still masticating (I said masticating, Gibbo), with dollops of gravy dripping periodically from our hair.

It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately-cooked farmyard critter gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny poultry-dwelling salmon get into our bloodstream, swim against the tide and spawn in our brains (this is probably what caused Dicko to leave Australian Idol and sign up with Survivor, which probably won't). That's why the Australian Society of Turkey Giblets and Chicken Innards recommends that, to ensure proper preparation, you cook your poultry in a heated oven for at least two full sessions of the first cricket Test between England and Australia, then give your dog a drumstick and watch it closely for symptoms of trouble, such as vomiting, running for the Senate, etc.

Someday, perhaps, we won't need to take such precautions, not if the government approves a radical new concept in chook safety being proposed by a member of The Greens. Before we explain the proposal in full, gory detail, we should issue a warning to wowsers, dieticians and people with relatively good taste:
Do not read on -- I repeat, DON'T (sorry to shout) read on -- if the idea of "poultry bums" is likely to upset or offend you.

This story comes from a Greens policy paper and points out that the Yanks have discovered a new - and therapeutic - use for super glue: "sealing chicken and turkey rectums".

The paper says meat contamination can be significantly reduced by "gluing shut the rectal cavities of turkeys and chicken broilers". (Now before all those animal lib folks begin to froth and foam, this gluing procedure is undertaken only after the birds have clucked their last).

"Poultry officials applaud the idea," the story asserts. Me, too. I am all for gluing chooks and turkeys shut. To be honest, I reckon they should be glued shut permanently because, as a consumer, I detest the prospect of my hands touching "sweetbreads" - those grotesque little feet, tendons, necks, glands, etc. which are usually folded up and crammed up their arses before they're shrunk-wrapped in plastic and sent off to Coles and Woolies supermarkets. There are few more terrifying experiences than having to insert your unarmed hand halfway up to the elbow inside the cold, clammy recesses of a dead turkey and pull those giblets out, never knowing when one of them will suddenly spring to life like that creature in the movie Alien, leap off your kitchen bench and scuttle around sinking its fangs into householders.

So I urge you to call your local MP immediately and let them know - clearly and forcefully - your position on this issue. Or send a fax or email saying: "I am in favour of gluing poultry rectums!" And while you have your MP in your sights, you might point out that The Walt Disney Corporation is secretly using cartoon movies to promote sex. Yes! The proof comes from an organization called the American Family Life League, in a document headed Official Document on the Disney Company's Perverted Cartoon Animation. The document claims Disney has been slipping smut into its cartoon movies, and cites the following disgraceful examples:

--In Aladdin, when Prince Ababwa calls on Princess Jasmine on her balcony, a voice whispers: "Good teenagers, take off your clothes". Can you believe it?! And in the same movie, Abu the monkey says "a rude word".

--In The Little Mermaid, the officiator in the wedding scene is "obviously sexually aroused". Yep, he had a big, fat cartoon hard-on! But that's not all. "The box cover of The Little Mermaid contains a phallic symbol in the centre of the royal castle," the document notes. (Apparently these morality guardians pay a lot of attention to detail when they watch cartoons). But there's still more.

--In The Lion King, when Simba plops down in the jungle clearing, "The cloud of dust that he stirs up, to the upper left of his head, forms the letters S-E-X". (Omigod! Any fool knows that, if you remove those hyphens, you're left with SEX).

But none of this surprises me, I've got to say. Alan Jones and Piers Ackerman have been onto the pedophiles at Disney for years, even before Alan's unfortunate London toilet misunderstanding. I've been suspicious of cartoonists ever since Piers penned a column in the Tele pointing out that Donald Duck does not wear pants. And NEITHER DOES GOOFY! There is way more of this perversion going on than we are aware of, and it is not limited to Disney. Look at the outline of Life Savers packets! Are we supposed to believe that's simple coincidence? And every piece of the popular sweets has its own bumhole in the middle! Not bloody likely.

No, this kind of thing is everywhere, and today I am calling on all of my friends and colleagues, as concerned individuals with a lot of spare time, to look for instances of hidden perversion in commercial products, then report them to me. Working together, we can get to the bottom of this.

And then we will glue it shut.

Mo'vember

Hi all,

During Movember (the month formerly known as November) I’ll be growin a moustache. That’s right I’m bringing the Mo back because I’m passionate about changing the state of men’s health.

Male health is a major issue, did you know:

1. Men are far less healthy than women. The average life expectancy of males is 6 years less than females.
2. Every year in Australia 2,700 men die of prostate cancer – more than the number of women who die from breast cancer.
3. Depression affects 1 in 6 men…Most don’t seek help. Untreated depression is a leading risk factor for suicide. Rates of suicide are more than double the national road toll.

Help me change the face of men’s health by sponsoring my mo.

Please go to http://www.movember.com.au/au/sponsor, enter my Rego number which is 27905 and your credit card details. All donations of $2 and over are tax deductible.

Here's me "Mo Free" at the recent Octoberfest pissup festivities.

The money raised by Movember will be used to change the face of men's health by creating awareness and funding research into prostate cancer and male depression.

More info is available at www.movember.com.au

Movember is proudly grown by Motorola, Polaroid, Remington and VB.

Movember is proud partners with the Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia and beyondblue - the national depression initiative.

Stay tuned for update photos.

My new poster girl.

Watch this.

Tammy's got one, Mal is one.

That used to be how the saying went when I was a lot younger & Malcolm Fraser and saint Gough were at each other. Tammy's got one and Mal is one... a big fat c*nt! Funny stuff, eh?

In light of big Margarets outburst this week I'm going to suggest we change it to:
Gough's got one and Margaret is one... a bit of a prick, that is.

For a woman whose only claim to fame is being married to Australia's worst PM, rolling her own tampons and kick starting jumbo jets, I'd say she'd be better off just shutting the fuck up.

Bitter old slapper.