Beware of Chooks Bums

Here is another special contribution from my old pal Stix. Enjoy...

The Christmas holidays are approaching, a time when we pause to reflect on our good fortune by shovelling as much food and grog as possible into our gullets for a period stretching pretty much from Christmas Eve all the way through to the following year. We will eat 'n' drink from sunrise until way after sunset, eventually staggering off to bed, still masticating (I said masticating, Gibbo), with dollops of gravy dripping periodically from our hair.

It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately-cooked farmyard critter gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny poultry-dwelling salmon get into our bloodstream, swim against the tide and spawn in our brains (this is probably what caused Dicko to leave Australian Idol and sign up with Survivor, which probably won't). That's why the Australian Society of Turkey Giblets and Chicken Innards recommends that, to ensure proper preparation, you cook your poultry in a heated oven for at least two full sessions of the first cricket Test between England and Australia, then give your dog a drumstick and watch it closely for symptoms of trouble, such as vomiting, running for the Senate, etc.

Someday, perhaps, we won't need to take such precautions, not if the government approves a radical new concept in chook safety being proposed by a member of The Greens. Before we explain the proposal in full, gory detail, we should issue a warning to wowsers, dieticians and people with relatively good taste:
Do not read on -- I repeat, DON'T (sorry to shout) read on -- if the idea of "poultry bums" is likely to upset or offend you.

This story comes from a Greens policy paper and points out that the Yanks have discovered a new - and therapeutic - use for super glue: "sealing chicken and turkey rectums".

The paper says meat contamination can be significantly reduced by "gluing shut the rectal cavities of turkeys and chicken broilers". (Now before all those animal lib folks begin to froth and foam, this gluing procedure is undertaken only after the birds have clucked their last).

"Poultry officials applaud the idea," the story asserts. Me, too. I am all for gluing chooks and turkeys shut. To be honest, I reckon they should be glued shut permanently because, as a consumer, I detest the prospect of my hands touching "sweetbreads" - those grotesque little feet, tendons, necks, glands, etc. which are usually folded up and crammed up their arses before they're shrunk-wrapped in plastic and sent off to Coles and Woolies supermarkets. There are few more terrifying experiences than having to insert your unarmed hand halfway up to the elbow inside the cold, clammy recesses of a dead turkey and pull those giblets out, never knowing when one of them will suddenly spring to life like that creature in the movie Alien, leap off your kitchen bench and scuttle around sinking its fangs into householders.

So I urge you to call your local MP immediately and let them know - clearly and forcefully - your position on this issue. Or send a fax or email saying: "I am in favour of gluing poultry rectums!" And while you have your MP in your sights, you might point out that The Walt Disney Corporation is secretly using cartoon movies to promote sex. Yes! The proof comes from an organization called the American Family Life League, in a document headed Official Document on the Disney Company's Perverted Cartoon Animation. The document claims Disney has been slipping smut into its cartoon movies, and cites the following disgraceful examples:

--In Aladdin, when Prince Ababwa calls on Princess Jasmine on her balcony, a voice whispers: "Good teenagers, take off your clothes". Can you believe it?! And in the same movie, Abu the monkey says "a rude word".

--In The Little Mermaid, the officiator in the wedding scene is "obviously sexually aroused". Yep, he had a big, fat cartoon hard-on! But that's not all. "The box cover of The Little Mermaid contains a phallic symbol in the centre of the royal castle," the document notes. (Apparently these morality guardians pay a lot of attention to detail when they watch cartoons). But there's still more.

--In The Lion King, when Simba plops down in the jungle clearing, "The cloud of dust that he stirs up, to the upper left of his head, forms the letters S-E-X". (Omigod! Any fool knows that, if you remove those hyphens, you're left with SEX).

But none of this surprises me, I've got to say. Alan Jones and Piers Ackerman have been onto the pedophiles at Disney for years, even before Alan's unfortunate London toilet misunderstanding. I've been suspicious of cartoonists ever since Piers penned a column in the Tele pointing out that Donald Duck does not wear pants. And NEITHER DOES GOOFY! There is way more of this perversion going on than we are aware of, and it is not limited to Disney. Look at the outline of Life Savers packets! Are we supposed to believe that's simple coincidence? And every piece of the popular sweets has its own bumhole in the middle! Not bloody likely.

No, this kind of thing is everywhere, and today I am calling on all of my friends and colleagues, as concerned individuals with a lot of spare time, to look for instances of hidden perversion in commercial products, then report them to me. Working together, we can get to the bottom of this.

And then we will glue it shut.