Live Earth Stars Come Clean On "Carbon Neutral Hypocrisy"

As we all know some of Australia's, and indeed the World's, biggest and most influential music stars are coming together to perform at a series of concerts known as Live Earth.

Lily Sobhani, Live Earth’s Global Head of Events reports;
“Live Earth Australia will kick off 24 hours of music spanning all 7 continents to focus the world against global warming,” Wall said. “Over 100 headlining artists ranging from Madonna to The Police to Wolfmother, all of whom are donating their time to perform at the concerts, will inspire an audience of over 2 billion people. Live Earth is designed to trigger a mass movement to combat our climate crisis. The climate crisis touches everyone, everywhere. Live Earth is about motivating people in every corner of the planet to ‘Answer the Call’ and make meaningful and lasting changes in their lives to combat global warming.”

Originally the concerts were to be rendered "Carbon Neutral" in order to offset the massive amount of rare and rapidly depleting resources that an event such as this needs to operate. Tickets were to be printed on recycled paper and public transport was to be included in the ticket price.

After careful consideration of the genuine environmental impact of these concerts, some of the artists have imposed strict environmental guidelines on the organisers. The following changes will be made to enable the concerts to be completely "Gaia friendly".

• The recycled paper tickets will now be scrapped in favour of free entry. A spokesperson was heard to say that "charging people to hear music was a capitalist activity that was not in harmony with the spirit of the event".
• The concert will now be held during daylight hours only due to the vast amount of power that the lighting system would need.
• No PA system will be used as, again, it just draws too much power. Promoters are asking that "patrons please be quiet during the show and they should probably try to crowd towards the front a bit".
• No electric intruments will be tolerated nor will instruments be allowed that are made of rare substances such as wooden guitars and drums. Instruments that use strings will also not be allowed as they are generally made of steel or nylon which both generate huge amounts of greenhouse gases in their manufacture.
• Artists will not be permitted to use planes to or non-hybrid cars to transport themselves and their crews to the gig. A fleet of push bikes was to be utilised for all transport needs but it was found that some of them had oil on the chains and paint on the frames, both of which are just plain evil.
• All food products that contain meat will be banned due to their methane impact. "Not-Dogs" have come on board as the official caterers.
• All recordings of the event will be given away free to anyone who wants them as we should never try to profit from the Earths environmental problems.

A spokesperson for the performers says that they all welcome and fully support the changes in order to prove that they are genuine in their desire to change the climate for the better.

"Look, we were going to do the whole 'carbon offset' thing but in reality we all know it's bullshit. The amount of trees that would have to be planted to offset massive power use such as this was just unrealistic and we all know that when the tree dies, the carbon is released again anyway. What we are doing here is groundbreaking. We are sweeping aside all the 'so-called' environmentalists and saying enough is enough. No more hypocrisy for us. We are stars and should be examples to the rest of the public so that they can continue to adore us with a clear conscience."