The International Council of Manlaws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

(Thanks to "The Rockgod" for sending that over)

Kevin Rudd(bury) - Gutless, Cowardly and funny as hell

I had the pleasure of watching the Libs tear Kevin Rudd a new arsehole today in parliament. He has accused the Liberal "dirt unit" of "leaking" the fact that he's had some surgery about 15 years ago. Big deal! The peanut even admits to talking about his surgery years ago on TV. So much for a "leak" eh? He didn't actually have the guts to accuse anybody personally but got his hangers on to have a go on his behalf. What a gutless coward.

The funny part was when he tried to shout down Peter Costello about his leadership ambitions. "Mr Rudd hit back at the Treasurer with a scathing attack on Mr Costello's leadership aspirations, saying he had not been brave enough to challenge John Howard."[This is] arrogance unleashed by the Treasurer, the would-be prime minister of this country who has lacked courage year in year out, month in month out, to have the ticker to do anything about his heartfelt aspirations and ambition to eliminate this man," he said."

That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. In his own tiny mind he thinks he somehow stood up and challenged for the leadership of his own party. Bullshit! Talk about revising history.

In the traditions of our great Aussie Winter Olympians, he simply was the last man standing when all those in front of him fell over. All hail Kevin Ruddbury and his gold medal leadership challenge!

Let's see... first we had Bomber Beazley, then good old Simon Crean. When they fell over did Kev get the gig? No.. they gave the job to Crazy Mark Latham. When he self destructed did Kev get the gig? No... they gave Bomber another go. When they finally realised how useless Kim was, Kev got his chance. Like the last kid standing when picking sides for a school yard football match. There stood Kev, and when no-one else could be talked into it, he got the job. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, eh? If I was the guy who was last pick after Kim, Simon and Mad Mark I wouldn't be putting it in my resume.

It looks as if he is starting to fray at the edges already and the campaign proper has not even started. Loser.

The funniest part of all this is that Julia Gillard will stab him in the back the minute she gets a chance.

Kevin can't make a decision by himself.

It's been long known that Kevin Rudd has lifted most of his policies from the Libs as it saves the whole "think for yourself" thing. Where he hasn't stolen policies, he has announced "reviews", or "committees" or "task forces" which can then make decisions for him at some mythical point in the future. When you go to the trouble of looking at big Kev's list of commitees as Nick Minchin has done, the list is simply staggering... and we haven't started the election campaign yet!

Check this out:

67 NEW LABOR BUREAUCRACIES

1. Office of Children and Young People
2. Office of Early Childhood Education
3. New Minister for Youth
4. National Commissioner for Children & Young People
5. Australian Early Development Index (AEDI) Support Centre
6. Office of Work & Family
7. National Health and Hospitals Reform Commission
8. Health and Hospitals Advisory Group (HHAG)
9. Appointment of a Chief Nursing Officer
10. Expert taskforce on preventative health
11. National Commissioner for Elderly People
12. Disability Advisory Council
13. New Department – Innovation, Industry, Science & Research
14. Fair Work Australia
15. Infrastructure Australia
16. Skills Australia
17. Office of Strategic Interventions
18. Network of urban development offices
19. Regional Development Australia
20. New Minister for Housing and Urban Development
21. National Housing Advisory Committee
22. National Housing Supply Council
23. A national housing development application system
24. Creation of a non-profit housing organisation
25. Green Car Innovation Fund and Taskforce
26. Enterprise Connect Centres
27. Manufacturing Resource Centres
28. Industry Innovation Councils
29. Small Business Advisory Council
30. Council of Business Advisers
31. New Department of Homeland Security
32. Coast Guard
33. Office of National Security
34. Australian Defence Force recruiting “supremo”
35. A Nuclear Caucus ‘Cairns Group’ review to strengthen the Non-Proliferation Treaty
36. Establishment of a Labour Desk at the Asian Development Bank
37. Establishing formal WTO Working Group
38. Re-establishing the Canberra Commission
39. Establishing an African – Australia Council
40. Regional Disaster Management Coordination Authority/Regional Disaster Management Centre
41. Higher Education Quality Agency
42. National Curriculum Board
43. A Superannuation Clearing House
44. A statutorily independent government actuary
45. A new corporate ‘super cop’
46. A Petrol Commissioner
47. Office of Climate Change
48. Eminent Roundtable forums on business sustainability
49. National Sustainability Commissioner
50. National Sustainability Council
51. Agriculture and Climate Change implementation panel
52. A Pacific Climate Change Centre
53. New Independent Heritage listing body
54. New national representative body for Indigenous Australians (ATSIC)
55. A ‘War Cabinet’ to tackle child abuse in Indigenous Communities
56. Refugee Determination Tribunal
57. Job Protection Authorities
58. Registered Employment Authorities
59. Access to Justice government advisory board
60. National law regulation body
61. National council for Local Government
62. Advisory group on Federal State relations
63. Independent panel to appoint the ABC’s Board
64. Australian TCF Industry Council
65. Review Panel for TCF tariffs
66. Forest and Forest Products Industry Skills Council
67. Wood and Paper Innovation Council
    
    96 LABOR REVIEWS

1. Review of Federal State Relations
2. Audit of Government services in regional Australia
3. Review of CDEP
4. Review of Job Capacity Assessments
5. Review of Disability Employment Network (capped and uncapped streams)
6. Evaluate disability employment strategies
7. Review of Job Network and suite of employment programmes
8. Review of government training for mature workers
9. Garnaut Climate Change Review
10. Review of national heritage protection
11. Review of planning, strike capability and jet fighter capability
12. Strategic reviews of ADF capability
13. Review of Defence bases
14. Review of ADF pay and conditions
15. Review of ADF mental health care
16. Review of ADF common induction training
17. Review of Defence Capability Plan
18. Review of Defence Export Facilitation Programme
19. Review of Defence financial management
20. Review of surplus Defence land
21. Review of Defence outsourcing
22. Review of veterans entitlements
23. Review of bursaries
24. Review of ‘phasing out’ of phosphate mining on Christmas Island
25. Productivity Commission review to estimate costs/benefits of harmonising key regulations cross State/Territories
26. Review of government innovation and industry assistance programs
27. Reviews of Australian design rules for vehicle safety
28. Review building code for energy efficiency
29. Review of business regulation measures
30. Review of science and quarantine systems
31. Review existing strategic action plans for a range of industries
32. Review of textile, clothing and footwear (TCF) tariff levels
33. Review of wood and paper industry
34. Review of tourism jobs training
35. Audit of Government procurement
36. Public asset review
37. National Infrastructure Audit
38. Comprehensive investigation of contemporary travel demand management initiatives
39. Review of Roads to Recovery
40. Review Civil Aviation Safety Authority regulations and reforms
41. Review of coastal shipping policy
42. Review of Australian Maritime College
43. Review of policy governing superannuation investments
44. Review of regulations covering private equity investments
45. Review of Corporations Act
46. Review of criminal and civil laws relating to fraud
47. Review of corporate managers training
48. Review of ASIC powers
49. Audit of consumer protection legislation
50. A national grocery pricing inquiry (conducted by the ACCC)
51. Review of ABC and SBS boards
52. Review of regulatory regime for complementary medicines
53. Review of Medicare schedule for midwives
54. Review of Medicare (psychiatric consultations)
55. Review of medical research ethics guidelines
56. Review of Child Support
57. Senate Inquiry into the cost of living pressures for senior Australians
58. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance
59. Review of Commonwealth Rent Assistance to Youth Allowance Recipients
60. Review of youth rights
61. Review of impact of poker machines
62. Review of Government support for parents with new children
63. Public inquiry into the protection of human rights in Australia
64. Review of genocide investigatory resources
65. Review of legal fees
66. Review of court fees
67. Review of juvenile sentencing practices
68. Review of federal court system
69. Review of whistleblower laws
70. Scoping Study/ Review of Australian Federal Police (AFP) numbers
71. Review of anti-terrorism laws
72. Review of Australian Crime Commission (ACC)
73. Examination of shared equity models that involve the Federal government
74. Inclusive trade policies
75. Review of all existing government consultative mechanisms
76. Review of composition of governmental delegations to World Trade Organisation (WTO) ministerial meetings
77. Review of Export Market Development Grants Scheme
78. Review of access to international markets for agricultural products
79. Review of relationship with New Zealand
80. Review of AusAID
81. Review of diplomatic services
82. Review of diplomatic programmes
83. Review of training visas
84. Review of asylum seekers appeals mechanism
85. Review of Settlement Services
86. Review of arts fellowships and grants
87. Review of artist’s incomes
88. Review of Australia Business Arts Foundation (AbaF)
89. Review of social security laws with respect to the arts
90. Review of Work for the Dole for artists
91. Review of arts in regional and remote areas
92. Review of ‘Digital Industry’
93. Review of free trade agreements
94. Review of contemporary music industry
95. Review of private investment in music
96. Review of artists copyright

God help us if this peanut ever gets in!

Kevin sinks the devon in 07

Cunning linguist, Mr Kevin (the boy who lived in a car) Rudd showed off his verbal skills at the recent APEC meeting.