Just because...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Thank you Al Gore
Poor old Al Gore has had a shocker over the last few days. He's beeen affecting the weather in Copenhagen Carbonhuggin in his own unique way, known as the Gore Effect. Now to top it off he's been caught out lying again.
After stuffing up the timeframes of the climategate emails you'd think the bloke would put a bit more effort in. Oh well.
Al Gore, the gift that keeps on giving!
Image from http://americanthinker.com/cartoons/?id=761
After stuffing up the timeframes of the climategate emails you'd think the bloke would put a bit more effort in. Oh well.
Al Gore, the gift that keeps on giving!
Image from http://americanthinker.com/cartoons/?id=761
Friday, December 11, 2009
Kevin Rudd announces 7 point plan to halt climate change
My Fellow Australians, as we all know and as I've said on many occasions, Climate Change is the greatest moral challenge of our generation. Not the second greatest or just top ten, but quite simply the greatest moral challenge of our generation. As I travel around this great nation talking to working families, it has become clear that many folk are becoming increasingly perplexed by what seems to be a lack of programmatic specificity regarding what I and many other learned citizens are calling the greatest moral challenge of our generation.Would we like to be doing more to halt climate change? Yes we would and to that end I have taken the hard desicion to put Australia and my Government at the forefront of this issue. No more talk fests, no more debates, no more delays. The science, as the scientists keep telling us, is settled and now is the time of action. To delay leadership and action on the greatest moral challenge of our generation is no longer an option.
Recently myself and the government have been criticised for not taking genuine leadership on this issue of climate change, or as I like to call it, the greatest moral challenge of our generation. I must bear some of the burden of this criticism as I've taken more plane flights this year than the average Australian takes in their lifetime. I also, in fact, don't have any solar panels on my house even though there's a whacking great rebate available. This is not good enough any more.
In order that myself and my government should be seen as genuine environmental crusaders, I will be immediately employing a 7 point strategy to halt climate change and give us back the Barrier Reef as we once knew it. We will putting an end to bushfires and unseasonal rains by doing the hard yards on what many see as the greatest moral challenge of our generation.
Here is my plan
1. Leadership in action.
We will immediately cut off all mains electricity to all Government buildings and institutions. Parliament House will immediately be covered in solar panels and the flag pole will be converted to a wind powered generator.
All ministers and bureaucrats will forgo all hydrocarbon burning methods of transport altogether. Yes, that means no cars and no plane trips. We simply can't go on expecting working families to bear the brunt of our climate change counter measures. We ALL need to bear the burden, Politicians even more so. Free train and bus passes will be issued to all MP's and public servants.
2. Personal Responsibility.
All Labor politicians and senior public servants will immediately, out of their own pockets, install solar panels and water tanks to their personal residences. Those who own more than one property will be deemed to be legally greedy and will hand over any additional property to the refugees from Tuvalu.
3. Education Revolution.
We recognise the effort put in to the Labor Parties election by the education sector in Australia. We also recognise that this sector has been quite vocal on the need for action on climate change and needs to share the leadership in this vital issue. Therefore we will no longer be accepting International Students into our Universities and Schools. While the dollars are nice the emissions involved in importing Students just for money are simply too great. We can't talk about cutting emmissions then import Students at great carbon cost. Those who choose to swim here may apply for an exemption.
Because most of our own Students have little education of any worthwhile value, they don't really have much hope of attending any sort of "Real" University so Uni places will immediately be halved. Likewise lecturers and tutors. Sorry folks, we all know that fixing the climate wouldn't be be without cost. Time to fall on your sword for the good of Mother Gaia.
4. The Science Is Settled.
It's as simple as that folks, the science is settled. Climate change exists. Therefore there is no further point in research in this area. Further applications for research are to be treated as 'deniers" and fobbed off.
5. Climate Change Funding.
All monies normally reserved for Climate Change Research are now unnecessary due to point 4. Therefore, this resource will now be spent on practical, workable solutions for the Worlds' needy. All research efforts will now be devoted to clean drinking water, sanitation and education for the Worlds poor. Excess University lecturers and School teachers will be sent to drought stricken, third World areas to help those folk in a first hand way. Those not willing to relocate will be offered "Green Jobs" which include wiping the dust of solar panels and mopping up bird guts from wind farms.
6. Properly resourcing the ABC.
The ABC has done a great job but is no longer needed. The Culture Wars have been won. Howard and Bush are behind us. The money raised from the sale of the ABC will be directed to helping older Australians who need care, companionship and support. We're sure the folks there will understand and should a buyer for the station not be found, most of the employees are top grade and will probably have no trouble finding a real job.
7. Sensible funding of the Arts.
The Australian Arts community have been quite strident and vocal in theirs calls for action on climate change so I'm sure they will be quite understanding and helpful in this regard, going forward. While they are mostly nice people, they surely must realise that compared to the greatest moral challenge of our generation, interpretive dance, welding scrap metal and drawing must come second.
From this point on, all monies and resources once dedicated to the "Arts" community will be re-directed to moving our Indigenous communities closer to areas where there is meaningful work and facilities for them. We now recognise they are human beings and not museum relics and that they deserve an equal chance at life. This cannot be provided in squalid, third World, inhumane, racially and culturally segregated situations. They need to have the opportunity to flourish or fail on their own merits, like every other Australian.
We are sure the Arts community will see the urgency and gladly hand over their grants and fundings for such an important community matter.
You will no doubt agree that this is a radical plan but I feel that it is one that will capture the Nations attention and raise awareness of an issue that is indeed the greatest moral challenge of our generation. The very essence of it is Leadership In Action. Once the general public sees their political leaders engaging in real, honest action, I'm sure they won't hesitate to follow us in tackling this, the greatest moral challenge of our generation.
Thankyou.
2. Personal Responsibility.
All Labor politicians and senior public servants will immediately, out of their own pockets, install solar panels and water tanks to their personal residences. Those who own more than one property will be deemed to be legally greedy and will hand over any additional property to the refugees from Tuvalu.
3. Education Revolution.
We recognise the effort put in to the Labor Parties election by the education sector in Australia. We also recognise that this sector has been quite vocal on the need for action on climate change and needs to share the leadership in this vital issue. Therefore we will no longer be accepting International Students into our Universities and Schools. While the dollars are nice the emissions involved in importing Students just for money are simply too great. We can't talk about cutting emmissions then import Students at great carbon cost. Those who choose to swim here may apply for an exemption.
Because most of our own Students have little education of any worthwhile value, they don't really have much hope of attending any sort of "Real" University so Uni places will immediately be halved. Likewise lecturers and tutors. Sorry folks, we all know that fixing the climate wouldn't be be without cost. Time to fall on your sword for the good of Mother Gaia.
4. The Science Is Settled.
It's as simple as that folks, the science is settled. Climate change exists. Therefore there is no further point in research in this area. Further applications for research are to be treated as 'deniers" and fobbed off.
5. Climate Change Funding.
All monies normally reserved for Climate Change Research are now unnecessary due to point 4. Therefore, this resource will now be spent on practical, workable solutions for the Worlds' needy. All research efforts will now be devoted to clean drinking water, sanitation and education for the Worlds poor. Excess University lecturers and School teachers will be sent to drought stricken, third World areas to help those folk in a first hand way. Those not willing to relocate will be offered "Green Jobs" which include wiping the dust of solar panels and mopping up bird guts from wind farms.
6. Properly resourcing the ABC.
The ABC has done a great job but is no longer needed. The Culture Wars have been won. Howard and Bush are behind us. The money raised from the sale of the ABC will be directed to helping older Australians who need care, companionship and support. We're sure the folks there will understand and should a buyer for the station not be found, most of the employees are top grade and will probably have no trouble finding a real job.
7. Sensible funding of the Arts.
The Australian Arts community have been quite strident and vocal in theirs calls for action on climate change so I'm sure they will be quite understanding and helpful in this regard, going forward. While they are mostly nice people, they surely must realise that compared to the greatest moral challenge of our generation, interpretive dance, welding scrap metal and drawing must come second.
From this point on, all monies and resources once dedicated to the "Arts" community will be re-directed to moving our Indigenous communities closer to areas where there is meaningful work and facilities for them. We now recognise they are human beings and not museum relics and that they deserve an equal chance at life. This cannot be provided in squalid, third World, inhumane, racially and culturally segregated situations. They need to have the opportunity to flourish or fail on their own merits, like every other Australian.
We are sure the Arts community will see the urgency and gladly hand over their grants and fundings for such an important community matter.
You will no doubt agree that this is a radical plan but I feel that it is one that will capture the Nations attention and raise awareness of an issue that is indeed the greatest moral challenge of our generation. The very essence of it is Leadership In Action. Once the general public sees their political leaders engaging in real, honest action, I'm sure they won't hesitate to follow us in tackling this, the greatest moral challenge of our generation.
Thankyou.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The Speech I'd Make If I Were Liberal Leader
My Fellow Australians,
Over the past weeks the Liberal party has changed direction on a matter of major policy and obviously it was not handled as well as it should have been. For that I apologise. Many people in the electorate and the media believe that we should honour the position that we took to the last election, that of supporting an Emissions Trading System or ETS. Kevin Rudd and the Labor Party would like us to fall into step and agree with his position on this matter uncritically. We, as a responsible political party, can no longer do that and I would like to take this opportunity to explain once and for all why our policy position has changed.
1/ The imposition of the ETS has been largely due to what has been referred to as the "scientific consensus" that the Earth is now warming in a manner that is not consistent with natural cycles and is indeed being caused by mankind and industry and our emissions of greenhouse gasses, mainly CO2. These warnings of catastrophic global warming have become increasingly alarmist over recent times and seem to be at odds with actual events.
Far from being an actual majority of scientists who are making these catastrophic claims, it has actually been the work of only a small group of well funded, UN backed people. The recent leaking of a large amount of correspondence and other documents from one of the leading scientific groups has called into serious question the integrity and accuracy of these people and the wild claims they are making. We now know for certain that they been involved in adjusting data to achieve a predetermined outcome, they have tampered with the peer review process to ensure only peers with an "approved" opinion are used, they have bullied and shouted down opposing viewpoints and have vigorously denied anyone outside their own organisations the right to check their data and models. These are completely unscientific practices and call into serious question the findings that the World is heading for some type of catastrophic climate emergency.
In fact, they have even noted themselves that the World has stopped warming despite increasing CO2 emissions! This is completely at odds with their own modelling and they have fought hard not to let these facts into the public domain. This has been deceitful in the highest order and before any more funding or policy is made in this regard, we must have a full Royal Commission to examine the veracity of the IPCC's claims. We must not risk Australian people jobs and livelihoods on what looks like a false premise.
2/ We at the Liberal Party have been absolutely inundated over the past few weeks with emails and phone calls from our constituents who are overwhelmingly opposed to the Labor Party's massive new tax. they understand that a fundamental shift in our economy will have devastating affects on our citizens, particularly the youth, the elderly and the vulnerable. We simply cannot choose to disregard the strength of feeling amongst our supporters at this time. We are after-all, our voters representatives so if we do not put their wishes above our own, then we have failed.
This impost on all Australians will have a devastating effect on employment and industry in Australia and will serve to force many jobs and businesses overseas to other countries who are not choosing to participate in this scheme. All to have absolutely no effect on the climate. We simply cannot stand by and and watch as youth unemployment hits 20 or 30 percent and pensioners are forced to shiver instead of putting on their heater. That is untenable and the people of Australia have made it very clear to us in their recent correspondence that they will exact a heavy price from any political party stupid enough to nobble Australia's economy to suit the UN and its well funded alarmists.
The people have spoken and we are beholden to listen. This is the very essence of democracy.
3/ The third and last reason we must now oppose the Labor Partys economy wrecking policies is due to Kevin Rudd and his party themselves. Quite simply, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kevin Rudd and most of his party are climate change sceptics. Their actions on a daily basis prove this. Don't listen to their words, we know they can't be trusted. Look to their actions and you will soon see that they are sceptics of the first order.
We have learnt over the last 2 years that Kevin Rudd is a man who likes to promise much and yet continually fails to deliver. His words are very rarely backed by any action whatsoever. Take Fuelwatch, Grocery choices, Whale watch, every schoolkid with a laptop, the hollow apology to indigenous Australians whilst doing nothing to improve their lot and lately his abject failure on border protection all the while claiming to be "tough" on illegal immigrants. Failure after failure is this mans legacy.
He claimed to be an "economic conservative" yet at the first sign of trouble he panicked and plunged our Country into a debt that ordinary Australians will be paying back for generations. Quite simply what he and his party say is almost never what they do. They are the party of untruths and spin and so it is with the global warming issue too.
Kevin says that we must cut emissions yet he takes more private jet flights in 6 months than the average Australian will take in their lifetime. He's not known as "Kevin 747" for nothing. In fact, the upcoming Copenhagen meeting will see between 15 and 20 thousand people who say they believe, climb aboard carbon belching planes and fly in. Do they not have access to a phone or email? Do they really need to fly so many people from all around the globe in on private jets? Is the crisis something they believe or only something you have to suffer?
Kevin says that we all need to install solar panels on our rooves but strangely he doesn't think it's important enough an issue to put his hand in his pocket to put them on his own roof. Indeed, if this issue was as important as he says, wouldn't we see some leadership here? Wouldn't we see workmen install solar panels onto Parliament House? Or is this only something that YOU have to do?
Greg Combet says he's worried about rising sea levels but strangely lives in a waterfront property. Does he believe this stuff or is it only something that you have to suffer?
I will put this quite simply folks, when Kevin Rudd and his party of spin merchants start ACTING like they believe in catastrophic climate change then I will start to take them seriously. Kevin Rudd by his actions is a sceptic and yet he wants you to change your life. No thanks.
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to address an issue that should be foremost in a politicians mind in times like this. We have been told that our viewpoint is now not with the majority of voters and that to oppose this new tax will mean political suicide. I fully accept that we may face annihilation at the next election and as much as that prospect pains me, it would be completely beyond our political and personal principals to fashion such monumentally life changing policies such as this on possible voter backlash. We simply need to stand on principal and let the cards fall where they may.
I believe that the tide is turning against the "scientific consensus" that never was and that people are waking op to the fact they have been deceived for political and personal gain. Should an ETS be introduced in Australia it will have a devastating effect on our economy, industry and our people. When it hits the fan, and it will, I do not want to be held accountable for marching lock step with the labor party into Australia's ruin. I cannot standby and watch our people devastated to suit Kevin Rudds global ambitions.
I want this time to mark the point where we decided it was better to die on our feet than to live on our knees.
Thank you.
Over the past weeks the Liberal party has changed direction on a matter of major policy and obviously it was not handled as well as it should have been. For that I apologise. Many people in the electorate and the media believe that we should honour the position that we took to the last election, that of supporting an Emissions Trading System or ETS. Kevin Rudd and the Labor Party would like us to fall into step and agree with his position on this matter uncritically. We, as a responsible political party, can no longer do that and I would like to take this opportunity to explain once and for all why our policy position has changed.
1/ The imposition of the ETS has been largely due to what has been referred to as the "scientific consensus" that the Earth is now warming in a manner that is not consistent with natural cycles and is indeed being caused by mankind and industry and our emissions of greenhouse gasses, mainly CO2. These warnings of catastrophic global warming have become increasingly alarmist over recent times and seem to be at odds with actual events.
Far from being an actual majority of scientists who are making these catastrophic claims, it has actually been the work of only a small group of well funded, UN backed people. The recent leaking of a large amount of correspondence and other documents from one of the leading scientific groups has called into serious question the integrity and accuracy of these people and the wild claims they are making. We now know for certain that they been involved in adjusting data to achieve a predetermined outcome, they have tampered with the peer review process to ensure only peers with an "approved" opinion are used, they have bullied and shouted down opposing viewpoints and have vigorously denied anyone outside their own organisations the right to check their data and models. These are completely unscientific practices and call into serious question the findings that the World is heading for some type of catastrophic climate emergency.
In fact, they have even noted themselves that the World has stopped warming despite increasing CO2 emissions! This is completely at odds with their own modelling and they have fought hard not to let these facts into the public domain. This has been deceitful in the highest order and before any more funding or policy is made in this regard, we must have a full Royal Commission to examine the veracity of the IPCC's claims. We must not risk Australian people jobs and livelihoods on what looks like a false premise.
2/ We at the Liberal Party have been absolutely inundated over the past few weeks with emails and phone calls from our constituents who are overwhelmingly opposed to the Labor Party's massive new tax. they understand that a fundamental shift in our economy will have devastating affects on our citizens, particularly the youth, the elderly and the vulnerable. We simply cannot choose to disregard the strength of feeling amongst our supporters at this time. We are after-all, our voters representatives so if we do not put their wishes above our own, then we have failed.
This impost on all Australians will have a devastating effect on employment and industry in Australia and will serve to force many jobs and businesses overseas to other countries who are not choosing to participate in this scheme. All to have absolutely no effect on the climate. We simply cannot stand by and and watch as youth unemployment hits 20 or 30 percent and pensioners are forced to shiver instead of putting on their heater. That is untenable and the people of Australia have made it very clear to us in their recent correspondence that they will exact a heavy price from any political party stupid enough to nobble Australia's economy to suit the UN and its well funded alarmists.
The people have spoken and we are beholden to listen. This is the very essence of democracy.
3/ The third and last reason we must now oppose the Labor Partys economy wrecking policies is due to Kevin Rudd and his party themselves. Quite simply, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kevin Rudd and most of his party are climate change sceptics. Their actions on a daily basis prove this. Don't listen to their words, we know they can't be trusted. Look to their actions and you will soon see that they are sceptics of the first order.
We have learnt over the last 2 years that Kevin Rudd is a man who likes to promise much and yet continually fails to deliver. His words are very rarely backed by any action whatsoever. Take Fuelwatch, Grocery choices, Whale watch, every schoolkid with a laptop, the hollow apology to indigenous Australians whilst doing nothing to improve their lot and lately his abject failure on border protection all the while claiming to be "tough" on illegal immigrants. Failure after failure is this mans legacy.
He claimed to be an "economic conservative" yet at the first sign of trouble he panicked and plunged our Country into a debt that ordinary Australians will be paying back for generations. Quite simply what he and his party say is almost never what they do. They are the party of untruths and spin and so it is with the global warming issue too.
Kevin says that we must cut emissions yet he takes more private jet flights in 6 months than the average Australian will take in their lifetime. He's not known as "Kevin 747" for nothing. In fact, the upcoming Copenhagen meeting will see between 15 and 20 thousand people who say they believe, climb aboard carbon belching planes and fly in. Do they not have access to a phone or email? Do they really need to fly so many people from all around the globe in on private jets? Is the crisis something they believe or only something you have to suffer?
Kevin says that we all need to install solar panels on our rooves but strangely he doesn't think it's important enough an issue to put his hand in his pocket to put them on his own roof. Indeed, if this issue was as important as he says, wouldn't we see some leadership here? Wouldn't we see workmen install solar panels onto Parliament House? Or is this only something that YOU have to do?
Greg Combet says he's worried about rising sea levels but strangely lives in a waterfront property. Does he believe this stuff or is it only something that you have to suffer?
I will put this quite simply folks, when Kevin Rudd and his party of spin merchants start ACTING like they believe in catastrophic climate change then I will start to take them seriously. Kevin Rudd by his actions is a sceptic and yet he wants you to change your life. No thanks.
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to address an issue that should be foremost in a politicians mind in times like this. We have been told that our viewpoint is now not with the majority of voters and that to oppose this new tax will mean political suicide. I fully accept that we may face annihilation at the next election and as much as that prospect pains me, it would be completely beyond our political and personal principals to fashion such monumentally life changing policies such as this on possible voter backlash. We simply need to stand on principal and let the cards fall where they may.
I believe that the tide is turning against the "scientific consensus" that never was and that people are waking op to the fact they have been deceived for political and personal gain. Should an ETS be introduced in Australia it will have a devastating effect on our economy, industry and our people. When it hits the fan, and it will, I do not want to be held accountable for marching lock step with the labor party into Australia's ruin. I cannot standby and watch our people devastated to suit Kevin Rudds global ambitions.
I want this time to mark the point where we decided it was better to die on our feet than to live on our knees.
Thank you.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Simple, concise, truthful
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced... (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced... (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Musicians Are Expert Mindreaders
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.
If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.
Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
VERY IMPORTANT
Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
See you at the next gig ...
The Band
If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.
Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
VERY IMPORTANT
Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
See you at the next gig ...
The Band
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